I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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