She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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