someone owes me an orgasm
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
