when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
