You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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