He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
