Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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