A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
