Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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