apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
