my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I didn't notice because vodka
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
