he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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