FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
