you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
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I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
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Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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