My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I want her autograph on my taint
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
