he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
ttyl tear gas
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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