my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
