Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do vagina's smell?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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