1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
