O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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