My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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