she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
