Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
