Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
