i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
