I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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