Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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