It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
