how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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