1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This girl is more easily done than said...
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
