i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
