it's too hot outside to masturbate.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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