her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
