Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
