On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
My cat gives me a boner
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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