Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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