sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
