Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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