you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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