Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
