At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
