can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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