Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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