she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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