Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker