My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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