Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
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You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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