Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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