I am puke
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
