So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
