I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
