It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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