Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
