My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
